Football transfer rumours: Neven Subotic to Manchester United?
Signed up to "identify, advise and implement ways in which Manchester United can save resources and reduce waste", the company could implement such innovations as hooking the training ground exercise bikes and rowing machines up to giant dynamos, forcing Marouane Fellaini to wear a giant helmet covered in solar panels and banning Anderson from the training ground canteen. Marking the launch of the new partnership, Robin van Persie told everyone present that Louis van Gaal wants players to "give their own input" at meetings, a democratic, slightly intimidating process the striker described as "being a bit of the Dutch thing".
The Juventus midfielder Arturo Vidal and his team-mate the central defender Angelo Ogbonna are among those who could be tentatively raising their hands to suggest that players wear clogs instead of flip-flops en route to and from Carrington's famous "sleep pods" if rumours of an imminent £51 bid for the duo have any basis in truth. Borussia Dortmund defender Neven Subotic, who sounds strangely mechanical but is flesh, blood and a mass of contradictions wrapped in skin like the rest of us, could also be on his way to the small green part of Cheshire that is temporarily oranje, now that United seem to have given up their pursuit of his team-mate Mats Hummels.
Elsewhere in that neck of the woods, Manchester City - whose endearing but fate-tempting Twitter "bantz" with their Roma counterparts ended with monotonous predictability last night - are being linked with a move for the Real Madrid red card magnet Sergio Ramos, who Spanish papers suggest might be offered a £7.7m-a-year deal to come and play his football at the Etihad. Contracted to Real Madrid until 2017, the handsome bullfighting enthusiast is understood to be in no particular rush to leave the Spanish capital, although he might be tempted to join Aston Villa if somebody tells him about Birmingham's famous bullring.
Ramos's team-mate Sami Khedira is out of contract come season's end and is being courted by Arsenal and Liverpool, as is another Real midfielder, Isco. The 22-year-old has slipped well down the pecking order since joining the Champions League holders from Málaga last summer, but insists he is happy at the Bernabéu. "Like all players, I always want to play but I am ready to be in the team whenever the coach wants," he said. "I'm playing very little and hope to play more. Last year was amazing, winning titles, and I am very happy at Real Madrid."
The Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tioté wants to leave because he needs "a new challenge", according to The Sun, although a cynic might argue that he specifically wants a challenge that doesn't involve playing for a team that looks well and truly mired in the Premier League relegation zone after just six games of the season. The Newcastle defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa also looks to be on his way, with the Magpies apparently close to making his current loan deal with Roma a little less Wonga-esque. Elsewhere in Italy, the Southampton striker Dani Osvaldo is also hoping to make his loan move to Inter permanent.
At the Emirates, the Spanish midfielder Mikel Arteta is believed to have agreed a new deal that will tie him to Arsène Wenger's apron strings until the summer of 2016, with Theo Walcott expected to follow suit. Wenger had scouts monitor the 15-year-old West Ham tyro Reece Oxford, who has been likened to Rio Ferdinand (the West Ham, Leeds United and Manchester United version, rather than the hapless, faded facsimile currently stumbling about for Queens Park Rangers).
Finally, Liverpool still want to bring Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk's Ukraine international Yevhen Konoplyanka to Anfield, but will have to fend off competition from Tottenham Hotspur and Borussia Mönchengladbach if they are to win the race to secure the left-winger's scrawl, according to the Guardian.