Football transfer rumours: Manchester United to sign Marco Reus?

Louis van Gaal has been thinking a lot of late. He has been thinking about the effects of the western demand for quinoa on the farmers of Peru and whether or not he feels guilty about having a beet, blood Orange, kumquat and quinoa salad for lunch at precisely 12.51pm each day. (He is unsure.) He has also been thinking about the return of Kazuo Ishiguro and wondering whether, after a long, long absence the novelist still has the requisite powers to suck the reader in like a well-made, German hoover. (Again, he is unsure.) And when all of that is done and he has finished the crossword and had a good steam, he has been thinking about his Manchester side. It's not perfect. (He is sure.) There are more holes than a wiffle ball and to fill said holes, he has taken a trip to Ed Woodward's office. Ed was the on the phone negotiating with some suit or other to be Manchester United's official toilet seat provider in Asia so he signed a book of blank cheques and told Van Gaal to get out of his hair. Van Gaal kept smiled, nodded his head and said thanks. Real polite, like. But once out in the corridor and away from ear's reach, he let out a 'yahoo!' and pumped his right fist to the heavens three times. Now he can sign Marco Reus.

But Reus is not the only one on his way to Old Trafford. So too is his Borussia Dortmund team-mate Mats Hummels, once he stops giggling after his Mr/Ms 10% suggested Tottenham as a possible destination. Meanwhile, after Luke Shaw's runaway success up north, other young, talented Southampton players are ready, willing and eager to get up there to be used sparingly and have too much pressure slung across their shoulders. None more so than Nathaniel Clyne. Should he fail to be swayed by the thoughts of all that, United will tell him he doesn't know what he is missing and go for Kyle Walker instead. Also on their shopping list isMemphis Depay, Mauro Icardi, Mitch Kramer, Bertie Ahern, Elvis, the woman with the white hair, odd accent and mysterious (almost) potato-like smell that gives guided tours of Iceland's volcanoes and one of the aliens from the Simpsons.

Elsewhere, Ciro Immobile is feeling a bit sad these days. Life in Germany isn't quite what he expected it to be. You have to be quiet on a Sunday, everything -literally everything - has a pickled gherkin on it (who likes gherkins?) and he still hasn't had a chance to visit the currywurst museum in Berlin yet. Beside that, all that running that the nasty Mr Klopp makes him do is just no fun and he reckons it's reason why he has fewer goals than a Generation X teenager. "Harrumph!" he thought to himself, "how do I get out of this pickle?" ("AAAAAH!!!" screamed his internal monologue, "I can't even get away from gherkins in my own thoughts."). It was then the phone rang. Brendan Rodgers was on the other end. It was hard to understand him at first because he was using too many superlatives but Immobile got the idea. Brendan wanted him over in Liverpool and leading the line. Ciro was cheery once more. He looked up Liverpool on the map, booked a flight for June and then gave the fingers to jar of gherkins lying smashed on the floor before laughing manically. An Italian striker that doesn't like running and scores few goals, what could possibly go wrong, eh?

Meanwhile, Lars Bender has a choice. Arsenal or Barcelona. Stop sniggering! Hecould chose Arsenal. OK, OK, he won't. But only when Bender is posing on the Camp Nou pitch, with the scarf above his head and the mes que un business club sign in the background, will Arsène Wenger believe that he must look elsewhere. Of course, that will leave him only 20 minutes of the transfer window to do a deal, though he'll give Southampton a bell and ask about the availability of Morgan Schneiderlin and if that doesn't work out he'll try Ilkay Gundogan, who, should he agree, will also be asked to turn out the lights as he'll be the last person left at the Westfalenstadion.