Football transfer rumours: Liverpool enter race for David Villa?

Same with the Costa across the street. And you can't even get into the Starbucks down the road for the queues; they're offering a free slice of carrot cake if you download their new breaking-comment app for tablet and iPhone, you see. Everyone's at it! As a result, there's been no breakfast caffeine hit for po' Rumour Mill. Po' Rumour Mill's a-tired! Albeit now totally up to speed on the geopolitical ramifications of the latest developments in Syria.

Anyway, here we go. Yawn, stretch, yawn, etc.

Manchester City will splurge on the Shakhtar Donetsk defender Fernandinho, Real Madrid hoodlum Pepe, the Málaga playmaker Isco and the Barcelona midfielder Thiago Alcântara.

Arsenal will have first option on Manchester United and the Manchester City target Cesc Fábregas, but may baulk at the £25m asking price.

Everton may forget about Roberto Martínez and plump for Ralf Rangnick, formerly of Schalke and now a Red Bull Salzburg penpusher, instead.

Luis Suárez is this close to leaving Liverpool for Real Madrid, if you believe Marca, and certain of staying at Anfield if you trust what his agent is sayi ... no, we can't bring ourselves to finish that sentence. The Spanish club will offer Liverpool £20m plus the young striker José Callejón.

The Rumour Mill is opening up a bar and grill.

Better news for Liverpool fans: they're now in the race, along with Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur, for David Villa. And while in Spain, Brendan Rodgers will also make off with the Sevilla duo Jesús Navas and the young midfield prospect Luis Alberto.

Carlos Tevez isn't sure if he wants to stay at Manchester City, with Monaco and Juventus sniffing around.

Eliaquim Mangala, who shores things up at the back for Porto, is first on José Mourinho's Chelsea want list. Luke Shaw is also being considered, although the young Southampton left-back wants a guaranteed starting spot, and I want doesn't get.

The Rumour Mill has ditched its bar and grill plans, and has purchased a kebab van instead.

Porto's defence could be properly jiggered come the start of the season: an increasingly hectic Liverpool may be making off with Christian Atsu, too.

We're going to drive it up and down Euston Road.

Fulham will pluck the Holland keeper Maarten Stekelenburg from Roma.

Hull City are after the Burnley striker Charlie Austin.

Some footpad has only gone and nicked our van!

Sunderland's manager Paolo Di Canio will raid his former club Celtic for the goalkeeper Fraser Forster, and his former club Lazio for the centre-back Modibo Diakité.

Wolverhampton Wanderers are in a tug of love with Sheffield United for manager Kenny Jackett. Presumably they've got hold of an arm each.

And finally the Rumour Mill plans to sell matches on the corner of York Way just by King's Cross station, barefoot in the snow.