Football transfer rumours: Chelsea to spend £35m on Hulk?
The point is the Mill's imagination is so intimidating it is starting to wonder if Leandro Damião exists in this reality or whether he has been dreamt up in order to keep the latest piffle rolling along.
Every morning, the Mill writes down that Tottenham want to sign the 23-year-old Brazilian striker Leandro Damião from Internacional. Every morning, without fail, for the last 473 days. And nothing ever happens and no one ever bats an eyelid. It's getting to the point where the Mill doesn't even trust itself or know what to believe and is perfectly happy to write that Tottenham are about to blow £9m on Club América's striker Christian Benítez, formerly of Birmingham City. Hey, anything to get out of this blasted Damião Dimension.
José Mourinho is going to be a busy Special One this summer. Having failed to be fooled by Fernando Torres scoring a few goals in the Europa League against Rubin Whatever and Steaua Wotstheirname, Chelsea's old new manager is casting his eye around Europe for some new strikers and is close to sealing a £20m deal for Bayer Leverkusen's André Schürrle. The spending will not end there, though. Chelsea are also ready to throw £35m - or one Andy Carroll - at Zenit St Petersburg for Hulk, who is admittedly more famous for his name than any grand achievements on the pitch at the moment, while Manchester City's Edin Dzeko and Fiorentina's Stevan Jovetic are also being monitored, Kazinform has learnt from the Guardian.
Chelsea also fancy strengthening their defence and are planning swoops for Porto's Eliaquim Mangala and Valencia's Adil Rami, which could be bad news for John Terry, who could decide to accept the advances of either Galatasaray or Monaco. Meanwhile Wayne Bridge is also set for a return to west London ... the left-back is wanted by Queens Park Rangers after being released by Manchester City. Ha! Gotcha!
If Chelsea do nab Jovetic from Fiorentina, then Juventus will turn their attentions to signing Gonzalo Higuaín from Real Madrid and Carlos Tevez from City. As one South American leaves Manchester, though, another is about to arrive, with City close to completing a £22m deal for Shakhtar Donetsk's Brazilian midfielder Fernandinho. That should soothe the blow of losing Bridge.
Wayne Rooney has been pictured wearing Manchester United's new kit, which is all the evidence the Mill needs to prove that he is going nowhere slowly, so David Moyes's first piece of business at Old Trafford will be to fill the big gaping hole in midfield that teams have been waltzing through since 2008. United's new manager will sign PSV Eindhoven's midfielder Kevin Strootman for £10m, which is also what he'll offer his old club Everton for Leighton Baines. There's gratitude for you.
Aston Villa have slapped a £40m pricetag on Christian Benteke in a bid to scare off Arsenal, Atlético Madrid, Fiorentina and Tottenham. Speaking of overpriced strikers, West Ham are going to offer Andy Carroll £100,000 a week to join them for £15.5m from Liverpool. You wouldn't catch Arsenal behaving like that. True to form, they're mulling over a £5m move for Matthias Ginter, a 19-year-old defensive midfielder who plays for Freiburg. What was that about them spending £100m this summer?
Liverpool are worried that Sporting Lisbon's Tiago Ilori is going to choose Valencia over them, Danny Simpson is going to join Torino on a free and Southampton are going to pay Nacional Montevideo £8m for Gonzalo Bueno, a Uruguayan winger nicknamed El Zorro. The Mill would have nicknamed him Kinder.